A Downward Spiral

As I begin to write this, I feel my hands shaking, heart racing and my breath shortening. It feels as though I am so unbelievably warm that I could have sworn I just ran that half marathon I am working on. This is the feeling that has come to control my every thought, action and very existence.

I have battled depression for years now, with the occasional anxiety attack. Before ever taking medication for the depression, I had no idea what the symptoms were or how they affected every aspect of my life. The past three-four months, however, have opened my eyes to the fact that I am once again falling into this downward spiral. Unfortunately, it has taken overwhelming feelings of anxiety, many sleepless nights and some terrible, terrible thoughts for me to realize it was once again time to tell someone what is really going on in the world of Ali.

I've tried increasing the dosage on the medication that I was on unsuccessfully. I was at the maximum dosage and worsening each day. The more frequent flare ups should have been a clue, but I was always able to attribute it to something else going on at the time. Ultimately, Monday night, I was forced to realize that there is something much more serious going on with me. I flew into a rage and went off on the poor bf.

Truth is, I wouldn't have wanted to be around me much lately either. Once I went to the doctor and explained to him what was going on, he forgave me and even stayed for a while here to make sure I was alright. I had come to a point where I didn't want to be around anyone, was unpleasant to be around and honestly had no motivation to even get up in the morning. After having not spoken to my bf for over 24 hrs because I had hurt him so badly, I was at a point where I truthfully, could not function.

Walking up the stairs to my apartment after taking out Daisy, I paused and contemplated falling down the stairs intentionally. I wanted to be able to feel something even if it was pain. I wanted to be bruised, scratched, on crutches anything I could short of dying just so I would be able to lie in bed and not have to do anything. I even contemplated the fact that I have short term disability insurance and would be able to live off of that for a while. I also remembered a tree that I had picked out once before I started any medication to crash my car into for the same reason.

This is when I realized it was time to call the doctor. In no way was my current medication working. In addition to the depression, my chest had become so unbelievably sore from the constant panic attacks that were happening with little to no relief between. I wanted a break from it all, but I wanted to do it the right way, a way that would allow me to get better and have support. I didn't want to lose my bf, my job and everything that I have worked so hard for.

I made an appointment with the doctor, had 3 anxiety attacks by 12 and saw her at 1230. As I sat crying in her office, she handed me a tissue and let me know that this is something that happens all the time. I had become entirely immune to the anti-depressant I was on, and it was time to change. I was in no position to argue and began discussing a plan to change the medicine and what to do during times of extreme anxiety.

Over the next three weeks, I will taper out the 120 mg of Cymbalta I was taking on a daily basis and work in 40mg of Paxil each day. I have also been given Ativan to take as needed, but she suggested every night for at least this first week. I am at such a crossroads it seems. I am angry that I need this medicine to simply function right now but wake up wanting it to stop the anxiety. I am terrified of going back to where I was before. Although, I'm not too far from it by now. I feel like a crazy person, weak and not worth the time each of you all have put into me. I am in fear of things getting worse, of losing my boyfriend and friends. I have been down this road before and few are still around that were there the first time.

The outright fear of abandonment is an absolute in my life right now. Even as I write this to those that I have entrusted with these words, I worry that someone will read this and decide, "Wow, she's really crazy." and become extremely uncomfortable around me.

Truth is, yes, I do need some help. We all need help to some degree and I am working on taking the steps back towards normalcy. I understand if you are at a loss for words or are unsure of how to act around me. I have been down this road before and dealt with the awkward silences, sideways glances and phone calls that were not returned. Truthfully, if you are someone that would prefer to look the other way and act as if nothing ever happened then that's not the support I need. I need more people who are willing to stand up to me and remind me to breathe, calm down, point out times of irrationality and dangerous behavior. I don't want to be coddled or have my hand held through everything, but I don't want to feel like people are walking on eggshells all around me.

I have depression and an anxiety disorder. It is not contagious. I am getting the help I need and will have appointments every 2 weeks for quite a while to check in with my doctor. While counseling works for some, it has never worked for me. Please don't recommend a "group" I should join or give me the name of a great psychologist. I have done those things and more. Just look at me lovingly and offer to help if I need it. I am not crazy and do not want to be judged simply by the nature of this disease. This is only a small part of me and who I am.

I am thankful that God gave me the courage to ask for help once more and blessed me with such loving friends and family and a partner that stands by me through it all.

Now that he knows everything that is going on, he is calling checking on me, took me to dinner and shared a wonderful ice cream treat after. He is looking at me again with that same sweet look in his eye and is reaching for my hand. We are in this together, for better, for worse. We have made a commitment to each other by entering this relationship. I'm pretty sure he and I are in it for the long haul....