Staying strong.

The past few months with the bf have been trying to say the least. Lots of up and downs it seems with more downs than ups.

His health has not been the best and he is more stubborn than me when it comes to admitting something is really going on. It's lead to many arguments, ruined dates and worried nights. It's hard to be supportive of someone who isn't willing to take care of them self.

It's his body and yes, he does ultimately get to make the decision as to what he would like to do for his own health. However, he has chosen to be in a relationship which means he must learn to consider how it impacts the both of us.

For weeks now, I have kept my frustration at bay and tried to talk to him about it in bits and pieces. I held onto the belief that we would have a wonderful vacation and things would start to get back to normal after some time away from all the stress he has been under.

This, of course, was not the case. He spent the majority of the vacation sleeping. I tried to tell myself, he hasn't been on vacation in years and that he is, indeed, sick. I let him sleep as much as I could tolerate. Christmas evening, I had enough.

After leaving for a drive late evening, alone, crying....I got up the courage to say what I needed to tell him. I came back to our suite...he was asleep. I ran a hot bath in the in-room jacuzzi pulled the curtains shut and cried some more.

He must have awoke at some point during this because when I climbed into bed he, for the first time in months, reached for me to lie with him.

I began to let everything out that I had held in for months and months.I let him know my frustrations, my worries and said to him out loud. "This has to get better. I don't want to do this for the next 20, 30, 40 yrs and I won't."

He was speechless. I said everything all at once and ended it with that simple phrase..."and I won't."

Not much more was said after that. He held me closely for a bit and then I fell asleep having gotten it all off my chest. It was out there and up to him to decide what to do about it.

The next day, he was much more affectionate and considerate towards me. Attempted to make conversation other than "this/that hurts, i'm tired, i don't feel good" which was a major effort on his part.

We spent the day driving through the hill country, looking at the scenery and debating pros/cons of living in the country. He didn't talk much about the previous nights conversation. As a matter of fact, he didn't mention it at all. Not until I brought him home, had picked up the beagle and was back home did I get a text message with a bit of encouragement.

He let me know that he realizes that he needs to include me more in his life. He affirmed that I am a major part of his life and he needs to share more with me. He has asked to be reminded of what he should do, even if it annoys him until we are "in a better place."

Good. He recognizes we aren't exactly in a good spot right now.

He has made a list of what he needs to do to make things better, including communication, affection and not being so angry about being sick.

He is taking the list of what he wants to work on to the therapist he has decided to see. (He has seen one once in the past few months after a pretty big fall out between the two of us)

He's trying......

It's very hard to not distance myself from him during all this, which of course I have shared with him. I find it hard to be attached to someone who is so indifferent towards everything on a day to day basis. He has become an angry withdrawn person and I have set myself away from that person in order to protect me.

It's hard for outsiders to understand why I maintain a relationship that has so many unknowns. The fact of the matter is, I won't be able to much longer if this continues and he knows it. For now, we are working hard to make our relationship stronger. Fortunately, at this point, he has decided he will start working too.

A relationship only works when both people are working on it, on a daily basis, in a partnership.

Pray for our partnership, our strength and overall well being to grow during this time. We know we love each other.... and that's worth staying strong for.