Opening the Flood Gates

Grab a raft, a Kleenex and hold on tight...Ali is opening the flood gates of her mind...


I am not one to talk about the past or dwell on painful memories, words, and experiences of the short 25 years of my life. We all have our ups and downs, but I have always portrayed myself as invincible. I am the "Superhero" of the family according to my Al Anon leader.


I attended Al Anon meetings while going through treatment for my addiction and eating disorder to try and get to the base of the issues I was having. It is a group for adult children of alcoholics. I learned that I am the rock, the foundation and the one that saves the day for the others in my family when things are rocky. To even portray myself as human and having emotions is extremely difficult for me. I will not cry in front of someone, I will not discuss my past with even close friends and I will never show that I am extremely vulnerable on the inside for I am a Superhero.


Unfortunately, even superheroes have to face reality when the cape comes off in solitude. I am terrified to take off my cape and face my own realities. Even writing this gives me knots in my stomach because I have worn my costume for so many years. Underneath the costume is a vulnerable woman who has a flooding of emotions that have been held inside for years. I want to wear my costume even in solace in order to avoid this feeling of fear. Who will be MY superhero? Who will take care of everyone else should I choose to remove my costume? Who will help me leave the gates of my heart open and remove this costume from my mental wardrobe?

Of all the challenges I have faced this is by far the most frightening experience. I am clinging tightly to my cape as the emotions begin to engulf me. I pray that as I learn to open myself to others I will feel God's powerful arms around me and will finally be able to shed my costume for eternity.